Fungus or Coke

I don't really remember where I found these mushrooms, barely remember taking the photo, but in my opinion they're beautiful. Nice little cluster leaning on each other for support and growth, much as I lean on my family. Yes, I am a fungus.

I'm sitting through a semi-low spell, my insides are twisting every direction and can't put my finger on exactly where my emotions are coming from. There is so much going on right now and some of it good that I guess I just feel overwhelmed. But all evening I have been close to tears, sometimes the tears wetting my eyes, just resisting spilling over. I'm frustrated with myself.

Part of my problem is that Dennis has been gone this entire week. My weeks are always harder when he was to be away for this long of a period. He lifts my spirits more than I give him credit for.

Our entire lives are planned around the birth of this baby and it's really hard to sit here are wait. But I know if I ventured far from home that is when she would go into labor. Every night I feel like I only half sleep as I am listening for the knock on my door and a voice saying, "It's time"

I am due for my next cancer check. I need to call and schedule it but I worry they will schedule me and I'll be laying in the PET scan machine and then Britney will go into labor. I imagine this check-up is the cause of most of my emotional roller coaster. It seems I get more weepy and whiny around each one. My mind worries each and every second that they will find cancer somewhere else. I start imagining that I feel it growing in various parts of my body and I start worrying about what will be expected of me this time. I start making decisions of what I will and won't do and start imagining the worst things that could be required of me. And yes, I have moments where I just want to die rather than go through all of this again.

I feel overwhelmed with packing. Cancer bills have made it to where we cannot afford the house and we've decided to rent. I have mixed feelings about this. A part of me feels horrible to be the cause of this loss and a part of me feels glad to be out from under this burden. I was in this house when I was told my dog had to be put down. I was standing on my deck at this house when I told my family that the doctor said I had cancer and I spent all of my chemo here. I think my mind will like to get away from the daily reminders of these memories.

We've found a place to rent in Plover, which is closer to the highway and will make it easier for Dennis to be home a little more. But I hate moving and packing, it sucks. Now we're trying to help Nick and Britney find a place there and Nick find a job there. I hope they're able to stay close so I can see the baby constantly. So this is added stress. Trying to help them get situated and hopefully moving around the same time we do. We'll be moving the first week of March. They don't want to move their stuff twice and I'm not sure where we'd put them either, so we‘re hard pressed to find them a spot. Did I mention I hate moving?

My parents are preparing to make the mad dash up here to see their great-grandchild. My dad hasn't been up here yet and it appears we can get my mom to leave her house for cancer and babies. My mom doesn't leave a 20 mile radius of her house for any other reason. Dad has offered to help with the move and the extra hands will be appreciated but think of all the chaos that'll be. I kinda think we'll plan our move around their visit and the baby's arrival, although I certainly wouldn‘t mind just sitting and playing with the baby while the men do all work. Is that mean?

Khristiaan has successfully, without complaint, been home continually for a month now. He's looking forward to a new start I think. I know he's making our lives less unpleasant. Haden still prolongs his schoolwork as long as possible and I'm trying to get him a little ahead before the move because I think he'll slack off a little during the move.

I have so many crafts I want to do but don't have the time or energy to get to right now that I guess they have to wait until things settle down. Will they ever settle down again? So without my evening craft time I have no stress outlet. Even my bath time, the time I use for reading and relaxation, is spoiled by my runaway thoughts. I'm reading Koontz's Velocity and am having a very hard time getting into it.

I guess I came up with 8 reasons for my weird feelings and I guess they're all very valid reasons. No wonder I sit here tearing up, think I'll drown myself in Diet Coke.

tags: depression  cancer  moving  kids  teens  babies  family  parents  frustration  checkup  emotional roller coaster  cancer bills  burden  loss  death  stress