Oncologist tomorrow

I have been feeling really crappy lately and I know a big portion of the reason is because of my upcoming doctor's appointment. Sure we have had a lot of activity in our lives lately with moving and the kids moving out but I think most of my stress is coming from the worry and wonder of what the doctor will say.

I haven't seen this doctor since last May and I wonder if I'll be chastised for missing my last chemo appointment. At the time I didn't want to do it and my husband couldn't take me when they scheduled it. I told the nurse that day that he wouldn't be able to bring me and I wondered if the onc would let me come the following Monday. She chastised me and told me the onc wouldn't allow it. So I just didn't go.

In August and December, I went to Mayo for check-ups and now I want to come back here and I wonder if the onc will be understanding. I guess he will because the person making the appointments had to get his approval before scheduling me due to the time frame. He okayed it so surely it's not just to chastise me, right?

Tomorrow, I will be getting blood taken and seeing the oncologist. If this visit goes like previous ones he will go over the results of the bloodwork with me and feel my glands then set up the PET scan. It's kinda weird that oncologists are the first doctors I've ever been to that you don't have to undress for. They simply look at you, talk to you and fell glands through clothes. I wonder if I should shave me legs just in case.

I wonder if my port still works. I hope they don’t have to stick me a bunch of times. After my last regular doctor's appointment I absolutely refused to go back to Marshfield Clinic therefore I haven't had my port flushed in three months. The lab techs have told me of some people not flushing their ports for a year and it still worked so hopefully I'm ok. I do plan on setting up some regular flushing through Aspirus, I don't mind driving 45 minutes once a month for that just don't want to drive the 3 1/2 hours to Mayo for a simple flush. Too bad Dennis can't do it. But he's only taken the needles out, never put one in. I really want my port out. Wonder if the oncologist will set that up for me if I come back all clear.

I've heard it said many times that the most likely time of recurrence is 18 months after your first cancer but I wonder if that's gauged by surgery date, NED (no evidence of disease) date or when. If it's from my surgery date I’m 16 months out. I wonder if I should wait until my next check-up in three months. With my luck I’ll get my port out then at my next check the cancer will be back.

I worry that it will come back in the peritoneal area instead of the liver or lungs. I mean, they gave me hope with liver and lungs that they simply take a piece and I’m all better but the radiation oncologist told me if it comes back in the peritoneal area there’s nothing they can do and I’m a goner.

I worry I’ll cry at my appointment. I hate to be a bawl baby but sometimes when the reality of the cancer past is forced down my throat I tend to get rather emotional. As much as I hate it I also feel that it’s probably pretty normal. But it tends to make my doctor think I’m loony doesn’t it?

I wonder if the onc can recommend a good regular doctor for me. I wonder if he can tell me if I really need a mammogram now, while they’re still doing the PET scans I would think anything would show up there. I wonder if he can tell me why I still have a white patch of yeast in my mouth that will not go away.

I wonder if I’ll remember to tell him I need my Premarin refilled and I wonder if he’ll up the dose. I would really like it upped but my old regular doc wouldn’t do it because she worried about blood clots with my port. I need to be more religious about taking my calcium; I wonder how my bones are, are they still getting thinner? Will I fall one day and break into a thousand pieces? What happens when your bones keeping getting thinner and thinner? Do you turn into a pile of mush? And is it only your back, legs and arms of does your skull soften too? Will my head just become a puddle?

Why is the heartburn back? Why is the blood sometimes back? Why do I cramp like I’m having a period when I no longer have them? Why, just why? I always feel worse right before my check-ups so maybe it’s a mind thing, but if it’s a mind thing why can’t I make it not be that way? Seems that if I’m aware, “Oh I have a check-up coming up”, “No you aren’t cramping, that’s nerves”, etc. . . seems those thoughts would make it all go away but it doesn’t.

Yes, I’m full of thoughts and worries tonight and I seem to be babbling on that’s part of why I haven’t been posting lately. With the oncologist appointment looming I can’t seem to put all my thoughts in a proper order. So while I’m as loquacious as ever I fear I make no sense.

Why do they have to give all the doctor long names? Why can’t an oncologist be a cancer doc and the radiation oncologist just be a rad doc? Why do they have to be so complicated? Are they trying to sound extra smart with their fancy names, trying to dumb us down?

tags: blood  pet  wonder  stress  mayo  worries  oncologist  colon  cancer  exam  port  draw  chastise  aspirus  scan  chemo  radiation  worry  checkup  wisconsin  appointment  clinic  recheck  portacath  doctor  find  colorectal