Slapped by reality
I know I talk about “the cancer” quite a bit here but I’m allowed, no? It’s not something that comes up a lot out IRL (thanx Willowtree for the explanation (in real life), see how quick I am to learn). All of our friends know about it and for the most part I just get asked how I’m doing and it’s good.
I feel good, really I do. I have been having some down moments lately, feeling a little overwhelmed at times and wishing I had more time (and energy) in my day to craft more. I miss sewing and cross-stitching. But my body feels ok, I think I’m just normal.
But when I took the dogs to get groomed Friday I was alone with a talkative (lonely?) groomer and her daughter had cancer and I told her I had had cancer and we exchanged stories regarding what kind, treatment and such. As I prepared to leave and she wished me luck, she asked when my next check-up is and how often I have them. As I answered that I see the doctor every 3 months and have since I ended chemo (May 2006) she seemed surprised. She asked if they’d given me any predictions on my future.
Well, yeah, they told me I had a 46% shot of being alive in 5 years. They were hoping the chemo might increase my survival rate up to 52% but there were no guarantees. That’s pretty much all I told her but it got me thinking and made me have a little depressing moment. I worry, sometimes a lot, about that.
I know some of you will say, “But Lisa I could get hit by a car tomorrow”, my husband’s said similar things and you all are right and so could I. But it’s somehow different when a doctor in a white coat. . . actually oncologists wear suits, so this very smart and smartly dressed oncologist at the Mayo Clinic tells you that there’s a better than 50% chance of you being dead before 5 years pass. Then you read huge medical books, magazines, websites, everything you can get your hands on and find out from your TNM numbers (you can see my numbers in a previous post) that your percentages are actually worse than that, and if you click to my old post and click on my TNM numbers you will see that the National Cancer Institute has given me a survival of 20-30%.
People say to not get caught up in the survival rates, to not let them get you down and honestly it isn’t something that is continually in my mind. Although, for a while I didn’t want Dennis to waste money buying me anything and I thought I should get rid of stuff. I’m over that now. :) But if you totally ignore the numbers aren’t you burying your head in the sand?
And the way the doctors, every doctor, now treats you is changed. They talk to you softer and treat you gentler and you want to scream at them that you feel normal. Here they are all acting so serious but it can’t be that serious because you feel normal. They give you a million tests if they see anything suspicious and they tell you what things they can fix and you remember vividly the things that cannot be fixed and are on constant alert for those things.
I know this post is all a jumble but since that conversation my thoughts have been a jumble and while I prefer to flee reality at times it slaps me in the face. I go about my day and no one knows these deeper thoughts hovering inside like the cancer itself, unclear and undefined and well, jumbled.
It's all well and good for people to say that you could get hit by a car,
but the thing is, you don't wake up every morning thinking this could be
the day you get hit by a car.
I used to really resent that "I could get hit by a bus thing". I wanted to
shake the speaker and say, "Yeah, but you don't see the bus coming at you
and know the panic of trying to get out of the way when there is no place
to run". Everyday that bus gets closer.
jumbled or not I feel you did a great job describing how you feel.
I could see myself getting caught up in the #'s and all the other things
you mentioned too. I also see that at some point you would live life to the
fullest...trying not to take anything for granted...and from what I have
read I think you are doing that beautifully!! Big HUG!
It's got to be such a fine line to walk. Just trying to deal with the
normal everyday stuff, but knowing that bus could come along any minute.
You are a tough gal to deal with this so well. (at least it appears that
you are dealing with it so well)
Jumbled or not, I understood E.V.E.R.Y. word. Not only did I understand
E.V.E.R.Y. word, I've been there done that, am still doing that.
As you already know, I'm 16 years free and clear. That's 5,840 days ago and
not a day passes that I don't think about my diagnosis, treatment, and
recovery. Am I cancerphobic? Maybe just a little, but I choose to think of
it as 'listening to my body.' It's just a wee bit different that being
"busaphobic."
Slapped by Reality is an excellent title. Some people are
never slapped by reality and just can't make that leap. When they say
things like, "Yeah, but I might get hit by a bus today," that's their way
of trying to make us feel better. If you've not walked the walked, there's
no way you can know what to say. I just smile and know that they mean
well.
For now, you just keep walking the walk. Everyone here is right
behind you. It's just fine to have those days...Mama Said There'd Be Days
Like This...
Sincerely,
Kathy S.O.S (Sister of Survival)
You guys are wonderful and you have me in tears with your support. I just
hate having times like these. I wanna slap myself and tell myself to get
over it but. . .I feel horrible for all I've put my family through (I know
it wasn't my fault) and all they may still have to go through. I hate the
look in their eyes each time I have a check up and I see their worry. I
really hated it when I had to have those biopsies last month as I thought
my poor husband would have to go through it all again. I hate that he has
to carry a much larger load than he should ever have to but some days I'm
not worth a shit.
hey Lisa, you are in my thoughts and prayers! One of the reasons I am a
daily reader is your zest for life! You have such a great outlook and your
photography is fantastic. Lotsa hugs comin' your way girl!!
You are a better person, perhaps, for having been in this battle -- I can
see in your photo's and the words you say, that you don't take anything for
granted. That you "DO" enjoy things in a much more spiritual way than many
of us. "Life".... yours is abundant.
I recently watched the movie, "Wit" starring Emma Thompson as an Ovarian
Cancer patient. it was moving beyond words. The biggest thing I got out
of it was to appreciate LIFE and LOVE and the PEOPLE around you. I think
you've got those basics covered very well.
How can you go through cancer and NOT think about numbers?? I know for a
fact I would. For those of us who have never dealt with having cancer,
it's easy to make a statement like 'getting hit by a bus', being 'struck by
lightening', or any other incredibly insensitive remark like that. But you
have faced the real reality of life. You KNOW the numbers because they
have been told to you and you have walked a path like no other. You are an
incredibly brave woman, plus your writing is great and your photography
rocks, and the minute I started reading your blog I knew I would stalk
you....I mean...continue to visit you for a very long time. Now. All
this won't help those 'low' times you will get from time to time, but I say
you, out of anyone I know, certainly has the right to have a couple low
times once in awhile.
I am doing much better this morning and Pamela, you're right I do
appreciate life much more now than I did before. I love nature and seeing
everything I can possibly see. I pause and take time to really see it and
try to photo it to help my memory and to share. :)
Lisa, I can't even imagine how you feel but think you posted about your
feelings veru eloquently. Cancer is the big scary one and I worry about it
even though (as far as I know) I don't have it I spend too much time
thinking I may have it so I know how preoccupied I would be if I did.