The Power of Positive Thinking

While I was in one of my lowest moments and riding in the car with Dennis I jotted some thoughts on a napkin. I’m more up now so I don’t know if I can truly get across the deep feelings I felt when I scribbled on the napkin but I want to try.

I’ve read quite a few books about cancer and chemotherapy and such since being diagnosed and I keep reading how important a good support system is in the whole healing. There have been studies showing that cancer patients with a good support get well quicker and less reoccurrences. Thank you all for being here for me and helping me through.

The second very important part is much harder for me and I have to do it all myself and although I swear I keep trying I just can’t seem to get it. It is extremely important to have positive thoughts. To welcome the chemo as a healing drug helps it’s effectiveness according to studies. Although I really try, all I can see it as is this poison invading my system killing the good along with the bad. I’m being as obstinate about this as I was about having the colonoscopy in the first place.

I want to change and I wonder if I’m totally wasting my time and effort since I can’t seem to change my mind set. I want to change my attitude about it, just can’t. I envy those people who can welcome the infusions and use meditation to their benefit and visualize the pac-man eating the cancer cells or the bunny eating the cauliflower but I can’t. I want to be like them, having faith and confidence in the drugs but I can’t seem to get away from the poison view and the awful way it makes me feel and the fact it only ups my chances of it not coming back by about 10%. This is truly frustrating, how much have you heard me use that phrase the last few months.

I wish I felt as strong inside as people pat me on the back for being. I feel overwhelmed by it all and no way for the frustrations to get out. So they stay locked inside me and I think in circles. I want to be done with chemo so I can help Dennis finish this house and get back to being a contributing person in this family. Sometimes I want to just stop the chemo period so I can do that. Money is tight, of course, and Dennis carries it all on his shoulders and I feel like I drag the family down. Of course he insists I don’t but it’s how I feel. I can’t even get a job right now to help out, who would want me. I’m totally unreliable because I never know from day-to-day how I will feel. But if I stopped the chemo I could help out the family financially as well. I used to do ebay and we counted on it to help us once we moved into the house but I don’t even feel I can do it right now because while I may feel good for a day or two to list things, how will I feel when it comes time to ship them? Then of course I know the chemo is the best thing I can do for myself to add a few years to my life. So I’m caught, wishing for things that can’t happen right now and hating things that are. I hate being such a burden on my family, it’s driving me crazy. And while I have only 5 more treatments to go that equals almost three more months!

Then some people say vitamins are good and Dennis keeps urging me to take them but I tell you I am so sick of taking pills. Besides the various chemo drugs I’m getting I have three pills I must take daily. Then add the nausea pills, the yeast infection meds, the heartburn meds for the heartburn caused by the nystatin I really can’t stomach taking another dang pill. I get nauseous just thinking of swallowing a pill anymore. Oh, and when I smell rubbing alcohol my stomach turns, didn’t used to do that. No more pills!  Add to this that the chemo meds make me burp and seem to be causing acid reflux horribly.  I just feel absolutely gross.  I can not eat or drink anything, not even a sip, without burping!  Driving me NUTS!  And of course each burp seems to add to the heartburn feeling which makes me not want to eat or drink and then you know I'll end up in the hospital if I don't so circle thinking and much frustration.

tags: chemotherapy  cancer